Gossip Girl: Season 4 Episode 1 ‘Belles de Jour’

Good morning, Upper-East siders, Gossip Girl is back! And now we can finally appreciate how much we’ve missed her. But let’s get down to business, shall we?

After that tumultuous finale last May that left us all reeling, we could see that Gossip Girl had a lot of work to do – S and B have fled to Paris to get over their respective men  using retail therapy, Nate has taken Chuck’s ‘little black book’ to get over his issues using sexual therapy, Dan is stuck in Brooklyn (what else is new) taking care of ‘his’ baby with Georgina, Jenny has fled to Hudson (good riddance), and Chuck has been busy getting shot on the streets of Prague (probably as a well-deserved punishment for having sex with the racoon-eyed Jenny. Like, talk about EW!)

We’ll start out with our two favourite Queen Bees, S and B, living it up a Paris. Well, almost. Blair is being her usual jealous self towards Serena, who is flirting with everything that has a pulse and French accent. S convinces B that her French amour will come, and B decides she just needs to get over the Bass-tard (who slept with the racoon-Humphrey, did I mention EW?!). It just so happens that that very same day, she meets a handsome young man who appears to be a member of the Monaco royal family, the Grimaldis, and he wants to take our B out to dinner. Surprised? Of course, B decides to bring S along too. Duh.

But because this is Gossip Girl, Blair finds out that her date is only the chauffeur and Serena’s date is the real royal. And if it weren’t such a petty reason we probs would feel a lot sorrier for old B. It gets even worse for her when she discovers S isn’t going to Brown like planned – instead, she’s going to Columbia, with Blair. (Well, duh. We can’t have the star of the show in another state.)

So Blair does a Blair-freak out, and ends up pushing S into a fountain because she wants to be somewhere where she won’t always be in Serena’s shadow. But Blair then discovers that actually, her perfectly kindly chauffeur date actually was the Royal Prince, and he had been testing her to see if she was just using him to go out with a Prince. Oops. Blair decides to beg for Serena’s forgiveness, blaming the whole thing on Chuck (a useful excuse. I mean, EW.), and of course S accepts. The two queen bees are united again. Almost.

As for Papa Humphrey, we discover he’s been keeping his little, um, son, a secret from everyone except for Nate, who is too busy having sex to really care. This little happy family of Dan, Georgina, and baby Milo have apparently been living together all summer until Vanessa turns up unexpectedly, spoiling the fun. “Georgina?! You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth!” What? Our Georgie, lying? No, never. In fact, Dan is so trusting of his baby-mama, he hasn’t even taken a paternity test, although our favourite hottie-dork has been smart enough not to sign the birth certificate.

And of course our favourite troublemaker has some monkey-business going on (with the Russians…). She ends up crashing Lily’s little get-together wielding Milo and is all “um, your son has a BABY.” Rufus and co are all “um, NO, he’s so not the father,” but Georgie has a super-convincing piece of paper proving that it is, in fact, Dan’s baby. So there you have it. Although Rufus for a moment seems to be the only sane person on the Upper-East side, advising Dan to do his own paternity test, as “this sounds like one of Georgina’s schemes” (YEAH IT DOES), but Dodo-Dan decides to sign the birth certificate anyway. And the next day Georgie bails on this baby-Daddy. With a passport and suitcase in tow. Leaving behind her child. Uh-oh.

Meanwhile, Nate has been doing his Nate thing that he seems to do every summer – have sex with lots of blonde women. Finally he meets someone resembling human instead of robot (at least vaguely), called Juliet, so they go for coffee together. But what the unassumingly  innocent Nate doesn’t know is that she’s  some kind of creepy clothing thief (and more robot-y than we realised), and even more psycho than that – she has weird stalkerish photos of the G-Gang tacked up on her wall, along with a computer screen open to Gossip Girl… has the infamous secret source been revealed? (My guess is not, but hey, that’s just me.)

Finally, onto the final piece in our puzzle, the Chuck. Lily has just found out that… his dead body washed up in Pairs. Oh, no! As in, no, not really. He was shot, and lay dying on the streets of Prague. It was pretty touch-and-go there for a while… we weren’t sure if he was going to make it… but thankfully Fleur Delacour from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was conveniently on the scene to nurse the Bass back to health. Oh, and randomly take him to Paris. Suprise!

That’s all for the gang tonight… see you next time, XOXO