90210 Season 3 Episode 1 – ‘Senior Year, Baby’

As the title suggests, the 90210 gang is back from their various summer adventures, and we can’t wait to dive back in to the most ridiculous storylines present on a team drama. Shall we?

The gang strides back into school, where we learn of the departure of Principal Wilson, or Annie and Dixon’s dad, to some unnamed place ‘45 minutes away’ because their parents have now separated. All I can say is: damn. I never liked those dull arguing parents storylines, but I really wanted someone to have an affair with Dad. I mean, that was one hot principal. In a kind of Jack Sheperd way. Anyhoo…

We learn a few things pretty quickly. Annie finally got her butt over to the police station and confessed to the hit-and-run (not that it didn’t take you an entire SEASON to figure that one out, kid) and ended up with a summer on house arrest and probation for like 7 years on her driver’s licence. Now, I’m no lawyer, but she did, um, KILL someone. Wouldn’t you get more punishment than that? Anyway, Annie does her typical irritating whining thing for the rest of the episode, falling into Liam’s arms, making out, then being all “no! You were Naomi’s boyfriend! I won’t go out with you even though you’re the hottest thing ever to exist on the entire planet! Bye!” So instead she goes to an interview for some random internship, cries about the hit-and-run, and gets the job. Before you can say “wtf”, there’s (obviously) something fishy about this internship – we see the woman secretly calling someone saying that Annie’s “desperate enough to do it.” Do WHAT? Kill people?

Ivy and Dixon didn’t make it to Australia together, but Ivy did conveniently return with a handsome new guy called Oscar (who was her like childhood best friend and is now living with her family) with an AWFUL British accent. Now, as a Brit, let me take a moment to rant, please. It’s HORRIBLE.

Rant over. He’s really quite hot, and in love with Ivy, disrupting her and Dixon’s plans, yada yada yada. BUT the only interesting thing that happened there was (ok, Ivy and Dixon said they loved each other. Yawn.) was that this young hottie… is SLEEPING with Ivy’s MOTHER! Yes! As in having sexual intercourse with someone who is like really old! Um, ew.

On the Navid/Adrianna side of things, Adrianna has been touring with Havier all summer, who’s kinda a douchebag as he keeps trying to come onto her in their stretch limo, and when she doesn’t respond, declares she’s dropped from the tour and her career is over. Then she kills him. No, not really. Almost though – he is conveniently at that moment killed by a car crash. And so Adrianna steals his book of juicy songs. Only in 90210, people.

As for Teddy and Silver-snoozefest, Teddy is all upset because he hurt his knee in the earthquake (oh yeah, did I mention that? These events are so typical on this show I overlook them), so can’t really play tennis. Only he does, then REALLY hurts his knee so REALLY can’t play tennis. And gets mad at Silver. Yeah, what else is new?

The most interesting storyline was easily Naomi, who was recovering from her brutal rape at the hands of Mr. Cannon. She returns from an isolated summer to school right in time for the earthquake, where she is thrust into the arms of Mr. Cannon, making her panic as he was supposed to have left the school. This scares her so much she tries to report the rape… only to be told the chances him getting convicted are like nil and she’d have to go through an awful trial. This is the last thing Naomi wants, so to prove she’s “still the same Naomi as before” she does a drunken striptease for some random guys, until Teddy comes to kick them all out. Of course, Naomi puts her arms around Teddy, and THEN Silver decides to walk in. God, just leave, Silver. We’re left with the image of a despondent Naomi sitting in the bed in her underwear, with no idea what to do next.

An intense and ridiculous season premiere… just what we’ve all been waiting for. See you next week! (Maybe now Teddy will be ready to talk about his, um, secrets…)